


The Importance of Being Rodney

by Joolz



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: April Showers Challenge, F/F, Farce, Hints of Het, Humor, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-17
Updated: 2006-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-17 20:32:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/180914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joolz/pseuds/Joolz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John wants Rodney to be himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Importance of Being Rodney

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the reel_sga live journal challenge, this story is inspired by the 1952 film “The Importance of Being Earnest”, based on the play by Oscar Wilde, which is a witty comedy of assumed identities and true love in a Victorian setting. This one works out a bit differently. *g* I’m no Oscar Wilde, but I hope it’s entertaining.

Act I

It’s after dinner and most of Atlantis’ staff is enjoying downtime, but John finds Rodney in his lab hunched over his computer. There’s a large stack of cucumber sandwiches with the crusts trimmed off at his elbow, and Rodney is stuffing them into his mouth with one hand as the other continues to tap at the keyboard. When John moves to stand beside him, he manages to get a good look at what’s on the screen before Rodney realizes he’s there and turns the monitor so that it’s hidden from John’s view.

“So what’cha doing?” John asks, fighting a grin.

Rodney looks at him as though John has proclaimed it possible to blow a wormhole out of a drinking straw. As though he were an imbecile, in other words.

“Eating. What does it look like?”

John nods in agreement. “Yes, the eating part is obvious. Your cheeks are puffed out like a chipmunk’s. I mean, what’s that on the screen you’re hiding from me?”

“Now, if I’m hiding it from you I’m not likely to tell you what it is, am I? There may actually be a reason for keeping it away from your prying eyes, Mr. Nosey McSnoopy Pants. I’m under no obligation whatsoever to share that reason with you.”

John raises an eyebrow. “I don’t know, I think it’s pretty likely that you’re going to tell me. A hundred percent probability, actually. Oh, yes, Rodney,” he says with an evil leer, “I think you’ll definitely tell me all about Ernest.”

Rodney’s eyes widen, his face flushes, and his voice rises an indignant octave. “What? Who? I don’t know anyone named Ernest. How do you know about Ernest?”

John has the upper hand and is going to savor making Rodney sweat. “If there’s no one named Ernest, then I can’t know anything about him, can I? Except that I do. It seems your finger slipped when you were sending an email yesterday, and it came to me instead. It was signed Ernest, but I know it was from you.”

“Of course it wasn’t,” Rodney huffs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

John ignores him and reaches into his jacket, pulling out a folded piece of paper. Waving it under Rodney’s nose he asks, “And who, exactly, is Cecily?”

Rodney makes a grab for the paper but misses when John snatches it back. Then, trying to look superior, Rodney pronounces, “I’m sure I wouldn’t know. I don’t even like celery. It’s too green. And too long. Vegetables aren’t supposed to be that shape. They’re supposed to be round and chunky and good in stew. Have you had cooked celery? It gets all mushy. Ew.” This is the end of the discussion as far as Rodney’s concerned.

John smirks, waggling the paper in his hand. “It’s Cecily, not celery, but the mushy I’ll agree with. The message you were replying to was dripping with female sentiment. This Cecily is obviously quite enamored of you. Well, of Ernest, anyway. I know there’s no one on the roster by that name, so who is she?”

Rodney’s mouth opens and closes several times, accompanied by truncated annoyed noises. Then Rodney changes strategies, giving up his denial. “No one for you to be concerned with. We met in the creative writing chat room on the Atlantis intranet. She’s a pen pal, nothing more. And none of your business.”

“A pen pal?” John challenges incredulously. He opens the paper and quotes, his voice mocking, “ ‘My Dearest Sweet Ernest’? That doesn’t sound like nothing to me. That sounds like you inventing a fictitious identity in order to take advantage of someone. If she thinks you’re sweet, she obviously doesn’t know the real you.”

“Yes she does,” Rodney objects. “She just knows a different side of me. There’s actually a very caring person in here,” he taps his chest with an index finger, “if you bothered to look. She’s lonely and I’ve been listening to her problems and offering sound advice.”

“Jeez, Rodney, are you crazy? Offering a woman advice is like shooting yourself in the foot. If she takes it, she’ll blame you for screwing up her life. If she doesn’t, she’ll blame you for distracting her from listening to her inner voice or something. Do you have a death wish?”

“It’s not that way at all. Cecily is very appreciative of my input. She’s sensitive and deep and I’m sure she’s exceptionally pretty, too.”

“Ah, so you don’t know who she is? I’ll bet she doesn’t know that her darling Ernest is the most annoying person in Atlantis, either,” John goads.

“Look,” Rodney tries to explain with actual sincerity, as though that will sway John. “I’m better on-line than I am in person. We’ve made quite a profound connection. It’s special.”

No way is John going to let him get away with that. “Oh yeah?” he asks triumphantly, shifting so that he can point over Rodney’s shoulder at the computer screen. “If Cecily is so special to you, then who’s Gwendolyn? She seems quite fond of Ernest, too.”

Rodney hits a key to minimize the email window. “Do you mind! That’s a personal communication.”

“Personal?” John chuckles. “I’ll say. You have to pay extra for that kind of language on a 900 number sex line. What chat room did you meet her in? The S & M Shack?”

“You would know all about that,” Rodney observes, clearly trying to regain control of the conversation. “No doubt you have explored the seamy underbelly of Atlantis’ sordid after-hours lifestyles. You probably know the secret perversion of every woman on this base. What, do you have an index card file so that you can keep track of which props to take to each assignation? Hmm? Who likes whips, who likes whipped cream? I bet you’re very popular yourself at the S & M Shack.”

John gapes, momentarily stunned by hearing Rodney talk about kinky sex. Then his eyes narrow with determination. “Of course I am. Don’t change the subject. Why are you having cybersex with this Gwendolyn person?”

Rodney throws his hands up in frustration. “Why do you think? Cybersex is better than no sex. And anonymity is liberating. Probably never in a million years would Gwendolyn do in person half the things she’s willing to do in the privacy of her own terminal. It totally works for me.”

John isn’t going to let it go at that. “Don’t you mean she’d never do them with you? She doesn’t know who she’s electronically going down on, does she?”

Rodney sighs with exasperation. “Of course not! That’s the whole point. We both get off and there’s no messy morning after. No uncomfortable encounters in the hallway. No soreness or chaffing.” A smile indicating a happy memory spreads over his face. “At least not much.”

Shaking his head, John prods, “Rodney, if I could figure out that that misdirected email came from you, I know you can figure out who Cecily and Gwendolyn are. It’d be a piece of cake.”

“Yes, I could, but I haven’t and won’t,” Rodney answers primly. “That would be stalkerish. Besides, it’s working out great this way. Cecily has a good friend, Gwendolyn has a good lover, and I have both. I’m not going to mess that up. It’s the best thing I’ve had going since… since ever.” His chin comes up defensively, but there’s a touch of melancholy in his voice. “Apparently I can only have good relationships with people who don’t know me.”

John is going to have to do something about that later. For now he isn’t done pushing. “Aren’t you even curious about who they are?”

“No, and you stay out of it. I don’t want you interfering.”

Cocking his head, John asks innocently, “Would I do that?”

“Yes, you most certainly would, Colonel. You’re perverse that way.”

“Considering what you get up to with Gwendolyn, I don’t think you should be calling me perverse.”

The exchange is interrupted by a voice coming through both their radio earpieces.

“Dr. McKay to the Control Room.”

“What is it now?” Rodney asks peevishly. “Have you managed to damage the ten thousand year old equipment again? Oh, never mind. I’m on my way. Just don’t touch anything.”

McKay switches off the monitor and herds John out the door. In the hall, turning to John, he snaps, “Now that your prurient meddling has disrupted the five minutes I was allowing myself for stress reduction THAT I TOTALLY DESERVED, I guess I’ll go save the city from destruction by moron. Get your own life, Colonel.”

“This isn’t over, McKay,” John warns.

As Rodney stomps away John gets a very clear view of his middle finger. After the scientist turns the corner John goes back to the lab. Approaching the computer across the quiet room, he restores power to the monitor. The email program is still minimized at the bottom of the screen. Feeling no remorse at all, he brings it back up. After reading a few of the letters from Cecily and Gwendolyn, he comes to a decision and sends each of them the same message.

“I must see you in person. Meet me in the arboretum tomorrow at 5 pm. Yours, Ernest.”

 

Act II

Katie Brown arrives at the arboretum promptly at 5 pm, a plate of muffins in her hand as a gift to her anonymous confidant. She’s the first to arrive and stands nervously under a palm tree.

A couple of minutes later, Miko Kusanagi walks in holding a tube of edible body paint. She’s surprised to see Katie there and pretends to study the leaves of a rose-like plant, though they both know she’s a physicist and not a botanist.

The two women glance at each other out of the corners of their eyes, warily trying to figure out if the other is planning to stay around. When neither makes a move to leave, Katie decides that maybe a more direct approach will yield information.

“Lovely here, isn’t it?” she asks.

“Yes, I agree,” Miko answers. “You are in botany, aren’t you? Did you help to plant all this?”

“Yes,” Katie says proudly. “My specialty is exotic flowers. Is this your first time here?”

“Yes, I’m meeting someone.”

“Oh?” Katie asks, surprised. “So am I. Someone very special. He’s the most generous, sensitive and insightful person I’ve ever known. It’s like he sees into my soul and understands everything about me. He’s my best friend.”

Miko thinks that’s all very nice, but that her date is more deserving of the romantic atmosphere. “I’m meeting my lover. I didn’t think it was possible for a man to know a woman’s body the way he knows mine, but no one has ever given me so many orgasms in one session before. His touch is like liquid fire.”

Katie stares, unused to having someone she barely knows talk about sex like that. She’s not going to be outdone, however.

“My Ernest isn’t that superficial. He knows that sexual attraction is ephemeral, and that what matters is sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.”

Now Miko jumps, startled. “Ernest? There must be some mistake. Ernest is my lover. He is a totally carnal wild man, and lives for physical sensation and excitement. He thinks sentiment is a waste of time, and I agree. In this uncertain life we must take all the pleasure we can.”

Katie takes a step back, shaking her head. “We can’t possibly be talking about the same person. Ernest cites Byron and wants me to tell him everything that happened in my day. He’s the best listener I’ve ever known. Sometimes we talk all night about philosophy and literature.”

Miko agrees, “Definitely not the same person. Ernest knows every secret place that sends spikes of pleasure through my body. He can keep me aroused for hours before he finally lets me come.”

Katie has to admit that that’s pretty cool. “Wow. Who is your Ernest? Is he one of the new staff?”

Slightly embarrassed, Miko answers, “Er, I don’t know, really.”

“You don’t?”

“No. We met on-line. This will be our first encounter in the flesh. I just know it will be the best sex I’ll ever have in my life. Who’s your Ernest?”

“Um, I don’t know either,” Katie admits. “Ours is a spiritual connection that doesn’t require us to be in the same room. I’m not sure why he wanted us to meet all of a sudden.”

Starting to get suspicious, Miko asks, “He told you to meet him here at five?”

Katie looks at her speculatively. “Yes. You?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm.”

They frown at each other.

The door slides open and Colonel Sheppard walks in, cocky smile in place.

“Hello, ladies.”

“Colonel Sheppard!” Katie exclaims.

Sheppard swaggers closer. “You can call me Ernest, if you want to. I’m glad to finally meet you both in person.”

Shocked, Katie chastises, “Colonel, I’m disappointed in you for carrying on an illicit relationship with this woman. I thought Ernest had more depth than that.”

Miko, on the other hand, is looking him up and down with an appreciative smile. “Colonel, I can’t say I’m disappointed it is you. You are the hottest guy on this station.” She glares at Katie. “But I never agreed to a threesome.”

“Now, there’s plenty of me to go around.” John assures them. “Katie, you can tell me about your latest project in the botany lab while I show Miko a good time. Everybody’s happy.”

Katie isn’t happy. “Humph!”

Miko’s frowns in disapproval.

Getting the reactions he was going for, John smirks. Ernest is going down in flames.

The door slides open again and Rodney comes storming in. He goes straight to his antagonist, not even glancing at the women.

“Colonel Sheppard! I should have known you had something to do with this. I got back to my work station and found confirmation emails from Cecily and Gwendolyn for our meetings today. I can’t believe you would move in on my territory like this! You despicable….”

John interrupts. “Hey Rodney. Meet Cecily and Gwendolyn.” He gestures to Katie and Miko. “Ladies, meet Ernest.”

The three of them stare at each other in horror.

Miko speaks first, asking Sheppard desolately, “So you’re not really Ernest? Dr. McKay is?”

John nods, with a wide, pleased grin.

Staring at Rodney, Katie gasps, “But you’re a pig! There’s no way you could be the sweet, caring individual I’ve been corresponding with.”

Rodney clasps his hands behind his back and rocks slightly, “Yes, well. We all have our little disappointments in life, don’t we? I can say I actually preferred my imagined versions of you two as well. They were both blondes.”

Katie bursts into tears. Dropping the plate of muffins on a nearby bench, she covers her face with her hands and blindly rushes farther into the arboretum. Miko watches her go, then glares at the two men. “You should be ashamed of yourselves.” She turns and follows Katie until she, too, disappears behind a curtain of green leaves.

Alone now, Rodney says, “Colonel.” His voice is low and dangerous.

“Yes, Rodney.” John sounds mildly curious.

“I’m extremely annoyed. You are so going to pay for this.”

 

Act III

Farther back in the plant-filled room, Miko stands nearby as Katie’s tears abate. Miko says, “Can you believe Ernest is Dr. McKay of all people! I have always admired him as a scientist, but I never thought of him as a sexual person.” Her angry expression fades to dreamy. “Colonel Sheppard, on the other hand. I admit I have thought of him before.”

Katie nods in agreement. “I could have accepted that Colonel Sheppard was Ernest. I always had the impression that there was more going on under that pleasant surface than he let on. But Rodney! I can’t get over it. I feel like he’s been playing with me out of spite, especially after that disastrous date.” She peeks through the trees. “They’re eating the muffins I brought! Can you believe the nerve?”

Miko pats her arm sympathetically. “You poor thing. And you don’t work with him, so you don’t know just how arrogant, selfish and offensive Dr. McKay can be. Those of us who are used to him have our ways of coping.”

Interested, Katie asks, “How’s that?”

“We try to give each other the positive reinforcement that we need every time Dr. McKay destroys our self-esteem or our confidence in our work. We are really there for each other.”

Katie pouts. “At least you have them. I just lost my best friend.”

Miko says softly, shyly, “I could be your friend. It didn’t sound so bad what you had with Ernest. I’d like you to tell me everything you are thinking, share your feelings. I’d like to be there for you.”

“Really?” Katie’s eyes are wide. “I’d like that too. And you know, I’m not entirely opposed to giving and receiving physical pleasure. My relationship with Ernest just wasn’t like that. My relationship with you could be, though, if you’d like.”

Miko’s smile grows less shy and more warm. “I would.”

They move closer together, leaning in, until their lips touch in a tender kiss.

****

Meanwhile, back by the door, Rodney glares at John. “So are you going to explain yourself? After I told you how much Cecily and Gwendolyn meant to me, you just had to go and ruin it.”

John ambles over to the bench and inspects the plate, then picks it up and offers it to Rodney. “Have a muffin.”

His anger placated instantly by the thought of food, Rodney says, “Oh, blueberry? I don’t mind if I do.”

He takes one, and John does too. They chew for a minute, then John says, “They’re good.”

“Mmmhmm,” Rodney says distractedly.

Finishing the bread, John addresses the other man seriously, “Rodney, those women were using you. They were getting what they wanted, but they didn’t really care about you. You don’t need them.”

Licking his fingers, Rodney remembers where they are and challenges, “How do you know that? That may be the closest I’ll ever get to having someone love me.”

John takes a step closer to him. “No, I don’t think so. You should be in a relationship with someone who knows who you really are and accepts you.”

Rolling his eyes, Rodney huffs, “Right, like there’s anyone in the universe like that.”

John takes another step closer and assures him, “There is. You have a lot of good qualities, Rodney. You’re funny and smart and brave and handsome. You can be sensitive when something really touches you, and generous and amazingly loyal to the people you care about. I know, because you’re my best friend.”

Nonplussed, Rodney blinks at him. “Uh. Really? You think I’m like that?”

Now only inches from his friend, John says softly, “Yeah, I really do. I know we don’t talk about personal things a lot, but we could. I’m not a genius, but I bet we could have a lot of good conversations. You don’t need Cecily.”

Rodney is confused but clearly hopeful. “Wow. That’s great. I’d like that. I never thought you would want to spend time with me that way.”

“Well, I do. And, you know, did you miss the part where I said you were handsome? I bet you’re great in bed for real, not just on-line. If you wanted, maybe you could teach me some of the stuff you were doing with Gwendolyn. I’m not a woman, but…”

Rodney speaks the truth as he sees it. “But you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

Pleased, John says, “Yeah?”

Rodney nods emphatically. “Oh, yeah. When people talk about things here in Atlantis that are the most wonderful or amazing or stunning they’ve ever seen, those things always pale in comparison to you. I can’t understand why everyone doesn’t see it that way.”

Now John is very close. He meets Rodney’s eyes and says earnestly, “I know who you are and I love you. I don’t want you to ever be anyone but Rodney.”

Rodney opens his mouth and leans in toward John, then pulls back nervously. “I guess I’d better go break it to the girls that our correspondence is over.”

Shoulders brushing, they walk into the room and step around the wall of green. They stop when they see the two women engaged in a passionate clinch.

John says, “Oh. I guess you don’t need to tell them after all. Looks like they’ve already moved on.” He grins. “Their loss is my gain.”

John looks at Rodney and moves in to take the kiss he’s been wanting, and this time Rodney doesn’t hesitate to embrace him. Their lips press together and bodies gravitate toward each other until they can feel every inch of the other’s heat. Their hands roam, confirming that this is no cyber-fantasy. This is real.

John breaks from the kiss long enough to whisper, “Are you sure you won’t miss being Ernest?”

“Ernest who?”

 

End


End file.
